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Jazzmine Delgada
For some reason, I updated our tickers. He's lost about 30 pounds since his heaviest, but I know he's just walking more and not eating at all on school days. (How he functions without food is a mystery to me. I would just be crabby and not be able to focus.) I found a post within this journal documenting my weight when I was younger at age 12. After furthering my education, the concept of a "set point" rang true for me. If I do nothing, I will consistently sit at the 238-242 range (unless things really get out of control, then 250 is my warning sign to back the hell off).

I have made healthier changes. I drink maybe one glass of soda a day (and maybe pour a little into some ice cream if I want something sweet). I've greatly improved my water intake versus when I was younger. I remember making that some "monthly" resolution when I still lived in Allentown, but I don't think it really took hold until a few years ago when I just gave up Mountain Dew. Maybe when I started drinking coffee? I just realized I needed to hydrate more often and after reading the science on sodas and other drinks, I realized why I was always so thirsty- they're chemically designed to make me thirsty.

Now, my skin is more pliable and my innards are working, so water's great.

Going through my mother's clinical records, I kept seeing "appeared older than stated age." It's both odd and fascinating to see my mother written about clinically (and something I wonder how I'd "look" on paper). But to be "older than stated age."

I don't want to be in a recliner in thirty years. I think the stubbornness and the "unhealth" that happens around here is what is most jarring and/or irritating depending on my mood. Fidget and I are by no means the healthiest people: we're both overweight, we both smoke, when we drink we go hard, we've stopped exercising purposefully, and I have an ice cream habit and he loves jerky. But otherwise, our meals are relatively clean. We live mindfully.

I read back over this journal and see how staying with them in 2012 made me realize how unhealthy they were and jump-started my own healthy journey. I continue to try and have compassion and understanding with myself with the decline because of how badly late 2014 and most of 2015 sucked. Logically, I can do that. But rereading this journal and seeing the progress makes me have a pity party every so often.

At my lowest, I was 213. That's about the same amount I weighed somewhere between 1998 and 2000.

Is it because of subclinical depression? Or an adjustment disorder that never properly adjusted? I still have this anger and bitterness toward the job loss. I'm not quite sure I'm done grieving my best friend's mother's death. I don't know if I've actually recovered from graduate school. While right now we're fine, thoughts of money cloud my vision.

I've also lost interests in things, which I attribute mostly to grad school. I lost interest in TV specifically. So when I would disappear in the office to run on a treadmill, I would just turn on HGTV and go. Now, my brainspan consists of Dog Whisperer, and at that point, I'm usually just on the couch with my cat.

2016 has got to be different. I've made small changes, and I can literally see in front of me what will happen if I don't get my shit together. On one hand, I've lost weight while down here, getting to where I need to tighten my belt loop another slot. On the other, I continue to be somewhat inactive, if lifting parents/puttying back on the microwave door/constantly doing laundry and other chores don't count.

I'm hopeful for June 1st. I want to see if life has settled by then. Maybe I wouldn't have lost 20 pounds, but maybe my parents will have moved and the license will be real, and I'll be settling into a new work life, finally using my degree. Maybe we'll have more money and he'll almost be done school. There's a lot that can be accomplished this year...

... I just need to have patience that it will come, when it comes.
Current Mood: blahblah
Current Music: My father snoring from the living room...
Jazzmine Delgada
03 January 2016 @ 05:13 pm
I flew to Florida for about two weeks, finally taking a leave of absence from work (which wasn't really a leave of absence, but whatev) in order to help with my mother's rehabilitation. I brought my cat and we basically just hang out as Fidget remains in Maryland, keeping our house afloat.

Before I left Maryland, I weighed 246. When I weighed myself when I flew back for New Year's Eve, I weighed 239.8. I had lost six pounds in two-ish (?) weeks.

My appetite has lessened. I've eaten coffee cups of cereal or granola with milk as dinner more times in the past month than I have, like, ever.

The pinched nerve is still pinch-y, but it's lessened dramatically. I don't know if it's healing or no longer having the work stress which has helped, but I'm not nearly in as much pain or as numb from it. I frequently lay on a tennis ball, trying to move that muscle around which gets tight. But I've started being able to sleep on my right side versus only my back, so again, small improvements.

While this journal was predominantly about physical health and weight loss, as well as losing it healthily versus dramatically, I think I need to focus more on my mental health now. I wanted to document the weigh in so I'll have a point of reference in the future. Ideally, I would like to lose some weight before my seventh grade best friend's wedding in June. Logically, I realize it's six months away. I could drop some weight by then.

He is getting married on June 1. So, six months away. Healthily, that could be twenty to thirty pounds if I put some muscle to it. But I know several things are going to happen before then:
- I'm living with my parents right now. We don't exactly eat healthy things, or on a schedule, or in general at times. Again, lots of cereal or granola in the past month.
- I feel like I can't be too far from the house since I'm their primary caregiver.
- I'm going to cancel my gym pass because of the shoulder. My PCP stated she didn't want me to be doing anything too strenuous, which is saddening and infuriating since I enjoy kickboxing and spinning. Maybe I'll be able to get back there, but right now, it's not going to be possible since I'm in Florida.
I put a timestamp on my time here, wanting to get back by mid-February to at least take care of our taxes. I'm hoping both of my parents' healths will improve enough so that we can move them by March. In theory, once this move happens, I'll no longer be flying to Florida and my license will come through, so I'll be making manageable money and start paying our bills down properly. He'll finish school, I'll have viable income again, and 2016 will be dramatically better than 2015 was.

Maybe it's fallacy. I don't want to have those "new year, new me" posts like another friend said. But I truly believe that once some spheres of my life come to fruition, the stress I've been under will evaporate and/or become more manageable so that I can focus back on my own health again...

... at least that's the thought anyway.
Current Mood: indifferentindifferent
Current Music: TV in the living room...
Jazzmine Delgada
10 December 2015 @ 12:29 am
I've taken to not giving a fuck about any of this. I have my nightly sweet, ice cream with soda. Eat healthy during the day, then put ice cream in a coffee cup and enjoy the sweet slurry that results. I try to eat my vegetables and do healthy meal planning, but then I swing through Arby's because I want those damned curly fries.

It's so complicated- the whole healthy living, work-mind-life balance is frustrating. I find myself wondering if I will be a hypocrite if a client comes in wanting to lose weight. Since I have lost it previously, I know it can be done but I am more caught up in my mother's rehab, my father's weird body issues, how many hours am I working, what really happened in my partner's group project? Previously healthy eating blogs have fallen by the wayside as my free time is occupied with articles about clutter-free living and how to achieve some sense of order in my life.

Do I miss woggling? I remember I felt particularly proud of myself when I woggled during Covered Bridge weekend. I remember reading the science behind knowing which combinations fuel the body better and how to make more options, plan properly, and live better. I remember those times.

But now? While I still struggle with a pinched nerve and pain killers, hoping this will change my life around to finally make it more bearable, I have pretty much given 2015 a pass. I no longer am concerned about the weight issues; it infuriates me that my clothes no longer fit, where I was so stubborn that "I wouldn't go back" that I gave my professional clothes away. I know I need to rebuild my wardrobe and work on more professional clothing if I will be re-entering that world. But right now? I can't even begin to process that.

So, give the body and mind space. I'll work on decluttering and organizing, hoping that 2016 will treat me much better than 2015 will. Maybe I will be thinner by the time that wedding rolls around in June. Maybe I'll be happier. Maybe my parents will have finally moved. There are so many maybes. I think that's the reason I gave this up for awhile- I couldn't handle the maybes anymore. I needed to make as much money as possible, so I worked on that aspect and the healthy living fell by the wayside.

It'll come back. I'll be able to balance more. But right now, I'll keep eating my ice cream and soda slurry...

... it's a bad coping skill, but providing comfort all at the same time.
Current Mood: complacentcomplacent
Current Music: Just the laptop whirring...
Jazzmine Delgada
20 November 2015 @ 12:42 am
I can't even explain how disgruntled I am. Between the work, the food, and now a pinched cervical nerve, I am so unhappy at times with myself. I feel as though in the past, I was completely blissful of body issues and health concerns. Now that I'm fully aware of ALL of that, I find myself becoming intermittently irritated, disappointed, and just downright down on myself because of the significant backside I created. I had lost over thirty pounds throughout 2013 and through April of 2014. I felt happier, more productive, more moving. My work life was somewhat meh, but the surrounding was fantastic: I was more motivated, I was excited about the consistent weight loss, we were more active, both in our community and in the bedroom.

Then it all went to shit.

And, as having my new shiny masters, I can see what happened. I think there are times where I am still recovering from the job loss at the end of June 2014. I'm still grieving the loss of my best friend's mom. I'm still struggling to find myself with a decade of experience and being unlicensed, but working swing shift to support my partner's schooling. I'm flying to and from Florida more frequently, and dammit, I just don't care.

But yesterday, I was officially diagnosed as having a pinched cervical nerve. So once again, I try to get myself motivated, and instead, I attend two classes and injure myself so severely that I'm out of commission for six weeks. And now it could be through the end of this year. I've already taken steps to cancel my gym pass from renewing in the new year. I think I need to do some re-evaluation.

There are times where I wonder if things truly were that awesome two years ago, or even back in 2011 when we had our monies and could do what we want. I've become so jaded and angry, and now, I feel as though the addition of a new injury is yet ANOTHER reason I'm stuck at my set point of 238-242. My license says 220. I want to get back to that. I want to surpass that.

Part of me knows I need to buckle down and maybe just walk a lot. Try to find something on Netflix or audiobooks and just walk to get moving. Maybe I won't be able to do kickboxing or spinning right now, but I could still try to do more moving. I'm working myself into sickness; thankfully, I've been pretty healthy so far, but it's only so long before my body puts me down.

There's this vitriol that bubbles up inside of me every so often. I worry about my parents, these constant trips down and being in and out of rehab. We struggle during payday, me hoping to have enough to cover our bills as I continue to pull mortgage out of savings. My house is in a state of disarray. My relationship is functional, but tiresome. And now, a shoulder-but-not-shoulder injury.

I keep trying to be positive. I know I lost the weight before, so I can surely do it again. I've been under a ridiculous amount of stress. My parents and flying aren't helping no one. My company folding and owing me thousands of dollars didn't help my financial well-being. I try to be compassionate and kind to myself.

But there are times where it's healthier to just be downright mad. And to be dedicated to making changes once this settles down. I see how my parents' healths have failed them because they've failed their healths. I don't want this for my future marriage or our children. I can get back to where I was in 2013...

... but right now, I'm a miserable bitch with a pinched nerve.
Current Mood: angryangry
Current Music: TV in the living room...
Jazzmine Delgada
11 October 2015 @ 11:58 pm

I still haven't recovered fully from the shoulder injury/ weird sleeping thing that I did to myself a few weeks ago.  There hasn't been gym or kettlebell time, as I'm worried about injuring myself further. While my left shoulder and arm ache by the end of the day, I can now look up as well as to the right, which is much better than a week ago. I'm hopeful this means I'm finally on the mend.

I've been conscious of my food choices during this period of inactivity. We're also being conscious of our food budget, making the meals and stretching them as far as we can. I went over budget this week (coffee was on sale! I bought all the coffee!), so have a little over $38 to do food on Friday. But with how we've planned, we might just need to be in meat and we can use our staples to make the food last.

There's chicken cacciatore in the crockpot right now, and I'm sure it'll yield six servings. It's almost a game, trying to make combinations and seeing if it fuels us long enough.

I've continued to see fluctuations during the week in weight, but today is official. 239.8! Back in the 230s! So even if I'm not as active, I'm continuing to see some loss just by monitoring food intake. It could also be that we have been moving and packing things to put in my parents' condo, so the extra cardio of stairs has probably accidentally helped this week.

Until my shoulder figures out what it's doing, I'm probably going to stay out of the gym scene. But healthy food, some prep work, and knowing what is to be expected is all i can plan for right now...

... slowly but surely, I'll get back there.

Jazzmine Delgada
03 October 2015 @ 04:24 pm
While I haven't made it to the gym since last week due to some type of shoulder injury, we have been mindful of our food. I came back a little bit ago from doing our grocery shopping. I again swept out some change, paying for groceries at Giant with $5.88 in pennies, nickels, and dimes. To me, this doesn't count.

What DOES count is the price of food at Aldi versus Giant. I made a big list of what we needed/wanted. Not only did we need food, but we also needed to reload our pasta stash, as well as get paper towels, sponges, and dish soap. I manipulated the lists and moved things around. My budget was $75. If I had purchased everything at Giant, it would've been $96.77, which is $21 over budget. That simply wouldn't do.

So I hit Aldi first. And comparatively saved a LOT of money. Though my bill at Aldi was $29.45, I saved a boatload compared to Giant's prices. Almond milk was 40 cents cheaper. Gallons of 2% were 70 cents cheaper. Whole wheat hamburger buns were $2.10 cheaper!

All in all, I spent $29.45 at Aldi and $39 at Giant (the $5.88 doesn't count since it was loose change, so the $39 came out of my debit card), bringing out total food budget to $68.45, almost $7 below budget!

I think it's somewhat ridiculous that I'm this excited over saving $7. But at this point, staying within budget is CRUCIAL to our survival.

We'll see what happens next week. It's payday (THANK GOD) so we'll see if I can keep to the $75 budget. I know that $75 is somewhat high, but it's paying for all of our lunches and dinners, plus any non-food items like the sponges or I also had to buy toothpaste. So hashing that out, it's $75 for two people for 2-3 meals/day, roughly $2.60/meal only counting lunch and dinner. My partner doesn't typically eat breakfast and minimizes lunch, so that's still not bad for homemade food that last us awhile. Plus keeping us supplied in paper goods, toiletries, etc.

Because I was curious, I added up the food items between the two recipes. All food, not including the toothpaste and paper etc, comes to $54.89. Now that's TOTALLY not bad for feeding two adults two meals a day for a week!

Right now, a homemade healthy meatloaf is in the oven. We'll gnaw off that for a few days. Then we have crockpot pulled pork, crockpot chicken cacciatore, and then a torta made from leftover pulled pork will be made Saturday. We're cooking roughly every two to three days, then throwing in fruit and other things to round out the meal. We made crockpot chicken and dumplings and it gave us EIGHT meals.

I know this is challenging, but this is part of trying to be healthy and budget conscious. And maybe next week we'll have those fish tostadas and meatballs and other things to keep it moving. I realized last night that his family picnic is coming up, which is always somewhat agitating for the budget. But as of RIGHT NOW, I can make pumpkin whoopie pies. Somehow, I have all of the ingredients in my house. HUZZAH!

Off to work more overtime, but my house is smelling awesome because of this meatloaf...

... so excited about everything!
Current Mood: accomplishedaccomplished
Current Music: Wind rustling outside...
Jazzmine Delgada
26 September 2015 @ 04:59 pm
It started with my Sunday spin, then I did kickboxing on Thursday and a full schedule of kettlebells yesterday. I slept horribly last night, so did not get up this morning to go back to the gym. I plan on going tomorrow morning.

However, I've gone grocery shopping, am currently making homemade ketchup, and have a slew of healthy meals lined up starting tomorrow. It's our five-year anniversary, which is mind-blowing in its own regard. I'll make lamb sausage meatballs with wheat spaghetti and might have some wine tonight.

My left shoulder still hurts, but feels more tight from working out than pain from injury. My back feels tight and toning, which I find pleasant.

I think I'm going to put my office back together so we can get to the treadmill easier, and eventually start decorating with the inspirational quotes I had picked out.

We'll see what I weigh tomorrow. I saw a four-pound loss earlier this week, but I know these things fluctuate. So tomorrow, I'll weigh myself, don my exercise clothes, and head back to the gym, all to start a new week.

We might celebrate tonight with froyo. I can't say that would be a horrible thing...

... froyo can never be horrible.
Current Mood: happyhappy
Current Music: Traffic outside with the fan spinning inside...
Jazzmine Delgada
21 September 2015 @ 12:23 am
I didn't want to go this morning. My shoulder still felt tight from Friday's orientation to kettlebells. I tossed in the bed, debating trying to go to class or just blame the shoulder. Then I realized that's what I was doing: blaming.

I donned my clothes and went to class, got through a 30-minute session, then went to Core, which is another 30 minutes of something. I jumped and did side planks (sorta) and left feeling generally spent.

I also gave the new class of Insanity the side-eye. I don't know if I'm ready for that.

I realize I still protect my knees, but all in all, today was an awesome day. I came home a little worse for wear, took my somewhat-hot shower, and used new shampoo. I made myself an awesome breakfast, then trooped off for ten hours of work.

And felt like a badass.

Between everything I did for work, I really feel accomplished. I felt jazzed up! Nothing could get me down, not even the Ravens losing. I completed paperwork and counted meds, helped make dinner, and generally did a lot of watching football. I also looked up recipes and typed out motivation quotes. I'll figure out how to be crafty.

I paid for toilet paper with $4.23 in change with the rest made up in bills. But $4.23 in change! From my old-new purse!

I spent three hours last night working through my coffee table (there was a lot of stuff to sort!) and then we hauled out all of our recyclables; our floor is slowly coming back in the kitchen.

Maybe it's little things. But starting with spin and ending tonight on a high note is exactly how I needed to start my week...

... here's hoping the momentum keeps moving.
Current Mood: accomplishedaccomplished
Current Music: Fan whirring in the living room...
Jazzmine Delgada
19 September 2015 @ 08:43 pm
We donned our necessary outfits and toddled into the quasi-gym yesterday morning. We did swings, then stupid toe taps and mountain climbers, some ab stuff, and swing, swing, swing. It was a mini-workout to familiarize us with the form needed for a proper swing. We also got a little info session about the types of things they do at this gym and the various equipment used. They have weighted ropes and I could do an assisted pull-up in the upcoming future.

I slept haphazardly and worked an overnight shift, so I'm unsure if I'm sore because of the kettlebells yesterday or catnapping on the couch for the past two days. However, Fidget is sore as well. My back and abs are pleasantly tighter and I didn't know the inside of my thighs could feel that way.

I'm somewhat worried about my knees still, but it seems like they adjust for every fitness level.

In short, I'm excited! We'll be going on Friday mornings. And I'm trying to get motivated to complement that with the other gym membership I've had and not been going to. I went to the store yesterday and finally stocked us up with some food stuffs, so hopefully, this is all a step in the right direction...

... I just need to take those baby steps!
Current Mood: soresore
Current Music: Fidget listening to Marc Maron's podcast...
Jazzmine Delgada
04 September 2015 @ 11:37 pm
After bantering back and forth with several friends, I finally made the decision to buy a kettlebell pass. I rationalized it thusly:
- Even though we don't have an exceptional amount of leftover money (read: none), I have a Way2Save account tucked away that saves a dollar every time I pay something through my debit card or electronic check. There was enough in this bank account, which I typically let pile up then use for fun snacks or gym passes, to buy two kettlebell classes.
- Fidget said he would do it with me. Which I find mindblowing.
- Fidget bought me a set of kettlebells a long time ago, but I have always been afraid of using them because of fear of injury. I wanted someone to tell me how to properly swing them first before doing my own thing.
The pass is for eight classes for $19, and these will fit in with our other healthy commitments we've made, such as my going to the gym more often. Since I've been down here, I've planned out when I can go to the gym and the kettlebell classes are offered when both Fidget and I can go.

I'm both proud of myself and a little scared of what might happen.

I always wanted to try kettlebells. Though CrossFit scares the crap out of me, I've had "kettlebell classes" on my Ideas scrap for over two years. I figured I could try kettlebells and see if they're worth it. Additionally, with my proclivity toward power lifting, I thought the kettlebells would also prove along my speed versus racing around and doing circuit training.

Both proud and scared. Proud that I went ahead and bought the passes, but scared to get back into fitness.

I'm hoping the next few days will go well; I have planned to go back to Spin on Sunday morning, and I fly into tomorrow evening. I figure I'll recap and relish being in Fidget's presence again, then doll up in spin pants, go to class, come home to shower, then begin my 40-hr work week until Wednesday. We'll relax at the beach and I will resume the healthy living lifestyle I had so toted a year ago.

I've been thinking about goals lately. I know where I'd eventually like to end up (180 would be ideal, but I would totally accept 200 at my height of 5'10"), but I wonder about short term goals and updating my tickers. At this point, I know I won't be at that 220 when I submit my picture for the Board unless application comes in January and I've lost over six pounds a month during holiday season. Clearly, a big IF. I had wanted to be thinner when I submitted to the Board. So maybe that won't happen.

My best friend from seventh grade called me a couple weeks ago for my address. He's finally marrying his girlfriend of 14+ years. Maybe that'd be a goal? Not to lose all the weight before their wedding, since I don't necessarily believe in that kind of hype. But to lose enough weight AND be healthier by June 1st of next year. I realized that's awhile off, and am not sure if it's the wedding I want to "look good for" (which doesn't even make sense and makes me somewhat nauseous to think of) or to be healthier in 10 months that a flight up and down the East Coast won't cause me too much grief.

I don't know.

However, I'm excited about kettlebells. In theory, we'll go to our orientation after we resume our life post-ocean. We'll do the orientation, maybe use our eight classes on Thursdays when we're both home. It seems as though Thursdays are protected right now; there shouldn't be shift coverage and he doesn't have class.

I DO think he'll compete with me...

... but he should know I'm a badass.
Current Mood: indifferentindifferent
Current Music: Dryer beating around the clothes...