Before we left for Florida, I decided to cancel the gym pass. Between working these ridiculous hours plus being scared about my injury, I couldn't validate continuing to pay for a gym pass I no longer used. Though it's not technically swing, it's haphazard enough that I can't guarantee I can make the classes I want to. Originally, I was keeping the pass to go to spin classes, but I had yet to get back to one. Forty dollars a month was still forty dollars a month.
I try to be gentle with myself. I knew that with the job collapse, things were going to change. That was two years ago. It's hard to imagine that it was two years ago at this point. I do think that my weight has stabilized, however. I'm hopeful that I can get back to walking, then running. My treadmill is free. I need to get the TV set up back in this room, then I can start walking again. Maybe enjoy something on TV again. A lot of my brain fell out when I was in grad school.
We just returned from Florida and now we have another cat. He's one of the reasons I'm writing in here. He's holed up in the office, so I want to make sure he knows that he doesn't just own this space. Sadie and I both sat in here, quietly, then he woke up and started growling again. We lost the use of our shower for a couple days, but I think he might be coming around. Slowly, but surely.
There's a new job offer on the horizon, a chance to finally turn around things. With planning on taking public transportation, I'm hopeful that the additional activity will finally motivate me to get moving again. I'm still worried about my shoulder, that slipped disc she said I had. It hasn't acted up for awhile, but I'm still afraid it will. However, if we can get to walking places, if I can get a walk in the mornings, I feel like the additional movement will move me forward.
A lot of shit has gone down. And I continued to try and work through it, being gentle with myself. I would express compassion to my clients when they expressed discontent over how their lives had turned around; I needed to do that for myself.
I used to walk a lot more, I used to run, I used to do DVDs and be more active. I think the only thing that had stuck with me has been the water consumption, so I'm thankful to that.
I'm tired of being tired. I'm tired of struggling. I'm tried of being poor.
The new job should start at the end of this month. It's a Monday-Friday position 1230-2030. With those hours, I could conceivably get up around 0900, get some exercise in and a healthy breakfast, and still be able to be on the bus by 1100. It's a lofty goal. I don't really see myself working out after 2200. However, I am hopeful that with
the new job will come the stability and structure that I so desperately need. Each week on my calendar before vacation looked completely different; it was another contributing factor to canceling the pass for right now.
I started organizing the office again, trying to get some room back in here. At least the treadmill is uncovered. We still need to find the power cord for the new TV and whatever the Roku box is, but that shall come. Maybe I can get involved in some streamiing something or another and really enjoy when I'm walking again. I think one of the main issues is that my brain could no longer care about what I was watching; before I would watch HGTV and get decorating ideas. But when the money fell, it became depressing. And then my head was so full of psychological principles, I couldn't comprehend anything on TV.
It's only June. My partner and I did a three-year-in-review to see if we had improved when I had the harebrained scheme of going to grad school. He says we have; I know we have on paper. But I can look back in this journal and see where I was roughly three years ago
, and I remembered it started with the food. Then I started exercising. Then I got a gym pass to have other people tell me what to do.
I've done it before; there should be no reason for me not to do it again.
I just weighed myself- granted, I usually weigh myself on Sunday mornings after I've voided before I've eaten anything. However, I still hover around the 240 mark. The scale just said 240.2
I don't think I want to make real goals just yet. But I knew I wanted to check in. Jobs are changing, we have another cat, and for once, there's a possibility on the horizon that my life just might settle down for a spell. And with new stable money comes new hope that I will be able to work on myself again...
... even if the treadmill does scare both cats!