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Jazzmine Delgada
14 March 2016 @ 09:43 pm
I started the new job today and only saw two clients. However, I found the staircase and did two jaunts up and down when I was taking my breaks.

When I was working the other job, I used the stairs All the Time. Then, that job fell through and there were no stairs besides my own.

I work on the third floor of an office building. Even if I'm only going up and down them twice or three times a day twice a week, that's still more activity than I was doing.

I do need to figure out how to fuel myself again through the work day. I may make a polenta and vegetable bake more often because of how filling it was. But I was pretty ravenous by the time I came home this evening. Maybe all of the energy I'm putting out to clients is making me hungry?

I'm excited about this. I can continue to be excited about it. I'm looking forward to seeing how the short spin class goes tomorrow night...

... here's hoping I get there.
 
 
Current Mood: hopefulhopeful
Current Music: Fidget playing Batman something on TV...
 
 
Jazzmine Delgada
13 March 2016 @ 11:43 am
I weighed myself this morning and saw 232. I actually had seen 229 throughout the course of the week, but Mexican food last night may have put me over.

I was finally cleared by my doctor to return to some exercise. While powerlifting may no longer be in my future, and kickboxing is questionable, I can do spin. One of my goals this week will be to try a 30-minute spin class to see how my shoulder acts. I have lost some weight, but feel the need to actually start getting some exercise in so I can tone what's going on. Spin will at least get my heart rate up and some muscles in my legs. I'm hoping I can talk to the trainers at the gym (I haven't been to in FOREVER) about modifications to increase strength and toning, but keep the pressure off my left arm. My doctor stated no pull-ups, push-ups, or lifting. I wonder if I'll just use tension bands for the rest of my life.

My mother flew home yesterday and I think I'm still trying to cope with that. I have been with her either in Maryland or Florida for about three months, give or take a weekend here and there. It's odd for her not to be in the guest room or see her toddling through my house. I'm curious as to how my weight will change, now that I'm only going to be preparing food for myself and my partner.

Lent will also be over in a few weeks. I will probably drink ALL the soda and eat ALL the Taco Bell and chocolate that I've been craving, but I'm hoping it'll taper off.

I start a new job this week and am relatively trying to get things moving in my own life, versus living for my parents.

My friend's wedding is June 1. I had wanted to be down to 220, and at this rate, that seems totally feasible. I'm just hoping I can keep up the weight loss, but do it more healthily. I've lost weight because of being stressed and forgetting to eat with my mother; if my appetite returns, I'll still want to make good decisions.

I updated my tickers to try and keep myself accountable. It's nice to see the slide moving down, but I just hope it can continue to do so correctly...

... here's to being more conscious about the healthy lifestyle I've so wanted to lead!
 
 
Current Mood: complacentcomplacent
Current Music: Traffic barreling outside...
 
 
Jazzmine Delgada
21 February 2016 @ 12:16 pm

Somehow, I lost another three and a half pounds this week. Maybe it's because my mother doesn't eat regularly, and so I don't either...

... another three stones in the jar, a total of twenty.

 
 
Jazzmine Delgada
14 February 2016 @ 11:58 pm

We had bought different clothes while in Florida, my jeans sagging sadly. We came through security, me in my snazzy new jeans, hauling my mother in her wheelchair through baggage claim.

I was curious to get home. Last time I weighed myself, it said 239.8 on my scale. In Florida, my father's scale continued to decrease. However, I had no idea if the scale was balanced, but a decrease is still a decrease.

This morning, it said 234.4. I had lost five pounds in the past month, really doing nothing consciously besides picking up my parents more frequently. We began Lent, so I ate too much fast food, then scarfed down a salted caramel bar.

I find myself strangely craving soda since we've been home.

Maybe the momentum will keep, even more so with having to do my own stairs again. Who knows.

I still updated my tickers. I feel like that's it's own motivation.

I dutifully moved over my stones, now 17 in the second jar. Maybe it'll keep up. Maybe I should call my PCP and see if she'd at least let me do spin...

... maybe, maybe, maybe.

 
 
 
 
Jazzmine Delgada
For some reason, I updated our tickers. He's lost about 30 pounds since his heaviest, but I know he's just walking more and not eating at all on school days. (How he functions without food is a mystery to me. I would just be crabby and not be able to focus.) I found a post within this journal documenting my weight when I was younger at age 12. After furthering my education, the concept of a "set point" rang true for me. If I do nothing, I will consistently sit at the 238-242 range (unless things really get out of control, then 250 is my warning sign to back the hell off).

I have made healthier changes. I drink maybe one glass of soda a day (and maybe pour a little into some ice cream if I want something sweet). I've greatly improved my water intake versus when I was younger. I remember making that some "monthly" resolution when I still lived in Allentown, but I don't think it really took hold until a few years ago when I just gave up Mountain Dew. Maybe when I started drinking coffee? I just realized I needed to hydrate more often and after reading the science on sodas and other drinks, I realized why I was always so thirsty- they're chemically designed to make me thirsty.

Now, my skin is more pliable and my innards are working, so water's great.

Going through my mother's clinical records, I kept seeing "appeared older than stated age." It's both odd and fascinating to see my mother written about clinically (and something I wonder how I'd "look" on paper). But to be "older than stated age."

I don't want to be in a recliner in thirty years. I think the stubbornness and the "unhealth" that happens around here is what is most jarring and/or irritating depending on my mood. Fidget and I are by no means the healthiest people: we're both overweight, we both smoke, when we drink we go hard, we've stopped exercising purposefully, and I have an ice cream habit and he loves jerky. But otherwise, our meals are relatively clean. We live mindfully.

I read back over this journal and see how staying with them in 2012 made me realize how unhealthy they were and jump-started my own healthy journey. I continue to try and have compassion and understanding with myself with the decline because of how badly late 2014 and most of 2015 sucked. Logically, I can do that. But rereading this journal and seeing the progress makes me have a pity party every so often.

At my lowest, I was 213. That's about the same amount I weighed somewhere between 1998 and 2000.

Is it because of subclinical depression? Or an adjustment disorder that never properly adjusted? I still have this anger and bitterness toward the job loss. I'm not quite sure I'm done grieving my best friend's mother's death. I don't know if I've actually recovered from graduate school. While right now we're fine, thoughts of money cloud my vision.

I've also lost interests in things, which I attribute mostly to grad school. I lost interest in TV specifically. So when I would disappear in the office to run on a treadmill, I would just turn on HGTV and go. Now, my brainspan consists of Dog Whisperer, and at that point, I'm usually just on the couch with my cat.

2016 has got to be different. I've made small changes, and I can literally see in front of me what will happen if I don't get my shit together. On one hand, I've lost weight while down here, getting to where I need to tighten my belt loop another slot. On the other, I continue to be somewhat inactive, if lifting parents/puttying back on the microwave door/constantly doing laundry and other chores don't count.

I'm hopeful for June 1st. I want to see if life has settled by then. Maybe I wouldn't have lost 20 pounds, but maybe my parents will have moved and the license will be real, and I'll be settling into a new work life, finally using my degree. Maybe we'll have more money and he'll almost be done school. There's a lot that can be accomplished this year...

... I just need to have patience that it will come, when it comes.
 
 
Current Mood: blahblah
Current Music: My father snoring from the living room...
 
 
 
Jazzmine Delgada
03 January 2016 @ 05:13 pm
I flew to Florida for about two weeks, finally taking a leave of absence from work (which wasn't really a leave of absence, but whatev) in order to help with my mother's rehabilitation. I brought my cat and we basically just hang out as Fidget remains in Maryland, keeping our house afloat.

Before I left Maryland, I weighed 246. When I weighed myself when I flew back for New Year's Eve, I weighed 239.8. I had lost six pounds in two-ish (?) weeks.

My appetite has lessened. I've eaten coffee cups of cereal or granola with milk as dinner more times in the past month than I have, like, ever.

The pinched nerve is still pinch-y, but it's lessened dramatically. I don't know if it's healing or no longer having the work stress which has helped, but I'm not nearly in as much pain or as numb from it. I frequently lay on a tennis ball, trying to move that muscle around which gets tight. But I've started being able to sleep on my right side versus only my back, so again, small improvements.

While this journal was predominantly about physical health and weight loss, as well as losing it healthily versus dramatically, I think I need to focus more on my mental health now. I wanted to document the weigh in so I'll have a point of reference in the future. Ideally, I would like to lose some weight before my seventh grade best friend's wedding in June. Logically, I realize it's six months away. I could drop some weight by then.

He is getting married on June 1. So, six months away. Healthily, that could be twenty to thirty pounds if I put some muscle to it. But I know several things are going to happen before then:
- I'm living with my parents right now. We don't exactly eat healthy things, or on a schedule, or in general at times. Again, lots of cereal or granola in the past month.
- I feel like I can't be too far from the house since I'm their primary caregiver.
- I'm going to cancel my gym pass because of the shoulder. My PCP stated she didn't want me to be doing anything too strenuous, which is saddening and infuriating since I enjoy kickboxing and spinning. Maybe I'll be able to get back there, but right now, it's not going to be possible since I'm in Florida.
I put a timestamp on my time here, wanting to get back by mid-February to at least take care of our taxes. I'm hoping both of my parents' healths will improve enough so that we can move them by March. In theory, once this move happens, I'll no longer be flying to Florida and my license will come through, so I'll be making manageable money and start paying our bills down properly. He'll finish school, I'll have viable income again, and 2016 will be dramatically better than 2015 was.

Maybe it's fallacy. I don't want to have those "new year, new me" posts like another friend said. But I truly believe that once some spheres of my life come to fruition, the stress I've been under will evaporate and/or become more manageable so that I can focus back on my own health again...

... at least that's the thought anyway.
 
 
Current Mood: indifferentindifferent
Current Music: TV in the living room...
 
 
Jazzmine Delgada
10 December 2015 @ 12:29 am
I've taken to not giving a fuck about any of this. I have my nightly sweet, ice cream with soda. Eat healthy during the day, then put ice cream in a coffee cup and enjoy the sweet slurry that results. I try to eat my vegetables and do healthy meal planning, but then I swing through Arby's because I want those damned curly fries.

It's so complicated- the whole healthy living, work-mind-life balance is frustrating. I find myself wondering if I will be a hypocrite if a client comes in wanting to lose weight. Since I have lost it previously, I know it can be done but I am more caught up in my mother's rehab, my father's weird body issues, how many hours am I working, what really happened in my partner's group project? Previously healthy eating blogs have fallen by the wayside as my free time is occupied with articles about clutter-free living and how to achieve some sense of order in my life.

Do I miss woggling? I remember I felt particularly proud of myself when I woggled during Covered Bridge weekend. I remember reading the science behind knowing which combinations fuel the body better and how to make more options, plan properly, and live better. I remember those times.

But now? While I still struggle with a pinched nerve and pain killers, hoping this will change my life around to finally make it more bearable, I have pretty much given 2015 a pass. I no longer am concerned about the weight issues; it infuriates me that my clothes no longer fit, where I was so stubborn that "I wouldn't go back" that I gave my professional clothes away. I know I need to rebuild my wardrobe and work on more professional clothing if I will be re-entering that world. But right now? I can't even begin to process that.

So, give the body and mind space. I'll work on decluttering and organizing, hoping that 2016 will treat me much better than 2015 will. Maybe I will be thinner by the time that wedding rolls around in June. Maybe I'll be happier. Maybe my parents will have finally moved. There are so many maybes. I think that's the reason I gave this up for awhile- I couldn't handle the maybes anymore. I needed to make as much money as possible, so I worked on that aspect and the healthy living fell by the wayside.

It'll come back. I'll be able to balance more. But right now, I'll keep eating my ice cream and soda slurry...

... it's a bad coping skill, but providing comfort all at the same time.
 
 
Current Mood: complacentcomplacent
Current Music: Just the laptop whirring...
 
 
Jazzmine Delgada
20 November 2015 @ 12:42 am
I can't even explain how disgruntled I am. Between the work, the food, and now a pinched cervical nerve, I am so unhappy at times with myself. I feel as though in the past, I was completely blissful of body issues and health concerns. Now that I'm fully aware of ALL of that, I find myself becoming intermittently irritated, disappointed, and just downright down on myself because of the significant backside I created. I had lost over thirty pounds throughout 2013 and through April of 2014. I felt happier, more productive, more moving. My work life was somewhat meh, but the surrounding was fantastic: I was more motivated, I was excited about the consistent weight loss, we were more active, both in our community and in the bedroom.

Then it all went to shit.

And, as having my new shiny masters, I can see what happened. I think there are times where I am still recovering from the job loss at the end of June 2014. I'm still grieving the loss of my best friend's mom. I'm still struggling to find myself with a decade of experience and being unlicensed, but working swing shift to support my partner's schooling. I'm flying to and from Florida more frequently, and dammit, I just don't care.

But yesterday, I was officially diagnosed as having a pinched cervical nerve. So once again, I try to get myself motivated, and instead, I attend two classes and injure myself so severely that I'm out of commission for six weeks. And now it could be through the end of this year. I've already taken steps to cancel my gym pass from renewing in the new year. I think I need to do some re-evaluation.

There are times where I wonder if things truly were that awesome two years ago, or even back in 2011 when we had our monies and could do what we want. I've become so jaded and angry, and now, I feel as though the addition of a new injury is yet ANOTHER reason I'm stuck at my set point of 238-242. My license says 220. I want to get back to that. I want to surpass that.

Part of me knows I need to buckle down and maybe just walk a lot. Try to find something on Netflix or audiobooks and just walk to get moving. Maybe I won't be able to do kickboxing or spinning right now, but I could still try to do more moving. I'm working myself into sickness; thankfully, I've been pretty healthy so far, but it's only so long before my body puts me down.

There's this vitriol that bubbles up inside of me every so often. I worry about my parents, these constant trips down and being in and out of rehab. We struggle during payday, me hoping to have enough to cover our bills as I continue to pull mortgage out of savings. My house is in a state of disarray. My relationship is functional, but tiresome. And now, a shoulder-but-not-shoulder injury.

I keep trying to be positive. I know I lost the weight before, so I can surely do it again. I've been under a ridiculous amount of stress. My parents and flying aren't helping no one. My company folding and owing me thousands of dollars didn't help my financial well-being. I try to be compassionate and kind to myself.

But there are times where it's healthier to just be downright mad. And to be dedicated to making changes once this settles down. I see how my parents' healths have failed them because they've failed their healths. I don't want this for my future marriage or our children. I can get back to where I was in 2013...

... but right now, I'm a miserable bitch with a pinched nerve.
 
 
Current Mood: angryangry
Current Music: TV in the living room...
 
 
Jazzmine Delgada
11 October 2015 @ 11:58 pm

I still haven't recovered fully from the shoulder injury/ weird sleeping thing that I did to myself a few weeks ago.  There hasn't been gym or kettlebell time, as I'm worried about injuring myself further. While my left shoulder and arm ache by the end of the day, I can now look up as well as to the right, which is much better than a week ago. I'm hopeful this means I'm finally on the mend.

I've been conscious of my food choices during this period of inactivity. We're also being conscious of our food budget, making the meals and stretching them as far as we can. I went over budget this week (coffee was on sale! I bought all the coffee!), so have a little over $38 to do food on Friday. But with how we've planned, we might just need to be in meat and we can use our staples to make the food last.

There's chicken cacciatore in the crockpot right now, and I'm sure it'll yield six servings. It's almost a game, trying to make combinations and seeing if it fuels us long enough.

I've continued to see fluctuations during the week in weight, but today is official. 239.8! Back in the 230s! So even if I'm not as active, I'm continuing to see some loss just by monitoring food intake. It could also be that we have been moving and packing things to put in my parents' condo, so the extra cardio of stairs has probably accidentally helped this week.

Until my shoulder figures out what it's doing, I'm probably going to stay out of the gym scene. But healthy food, some prep work, and knowing what is to be expected is all i can plan for right now...

... slowly but surely, I'll get back there.

Tags:
 
 
Jazzmine Delgada
03 October 2015 @ 04:24 pm
While I haven't made it to the gym since last week due to some type of shoulder injury, we have been mindful of our food. I came back a little bit ago from doing our grocery shopping. I again swept out some change, paying for groceries at Giant with $5.88 in pennies, nickels, and dimes. To me, this doesn't count.

What DOES count is the price of food at Aldi versus Giant. I made a big list of what we needed/wanted. Not only did we need food, but we also needed to reload our pasta stash, as well as get paper towels, sponges, and dish soap. I manipulated the lists and moved things around. My budget was $75. If I had purchased everything at Giant, it would've been $96.77, which is $21 over budget. That simply wouldn't do.

So I hit Aldi first. And comparatively saved a LOT of money. Though my bill at Aldi was $29.45, I saved a boatload compared to Giant's prices. Almond milk was 40 cents cheaper. Gallons of 2% were 70 cents cheaper. Whole wheat hamburger buns were $2.10 cheaper!

All in all, I spent $29.45 at Aldi and $39 at Giant (the $5.88 doesn't count since it was loose change, so the $39 came out of my debit card), bringing out total food budget to $68.45, almost $7 below budget!

I think it's somewhat ridiculous that I'm this excited over saving $7. But at this point, staying within budget is CRUCIAL to our survival.

We'll see what happens next week. It's payday (THANK GOD) so we'll see if I can keep to the $75 budget. I know that $75 is somewhat high, but it's paying for all of our lunches and dinners, plus any non-food items like the sponges or I also had to buy toothpaste. So hashing that out, it's $75 for two people for 2-3 meals/day, roughly $2.60/meal only counting lunch and dinner. My partner doesn't typically eat breakfast and minimizes lunch, so that's still not bad for homemade food that last us awhile. Plus keeping us supplied in paper goods, toiletries, etc.

Because I was curious, I added up the food items between the two recipes. All food, not including the toothpaste and paper etc, comes to $54.89. Now that's TOTALLY not bad for feeding two adults two meals a day for a week!

Right now, a homemade healthy meatloaf is in the oven. We'll gnaw off that for a few days. Then we have crockpot pulled pork, crockpot chicken cacciatore, and then a torta made from leftover pulled pork will be made Saturday. We're cooking roughly every two to three days, then throwing in fruit and other things to round out the meal. We made crockpot chicken and dumplings and it gave us EIGHT meals.

I know this is challenging, but this is part of trying to be healthy and budget conscious. And maybe next week we'll have those fish tostadas and meatballs and other things to keep it moving. I realized last night that his family picnic is coming up, which is always somewhat agitating for the budget. But as of RIGHT NOW, I can make pumpkin whoopie pies. Somehow, I have all of the ingredients in my house. HUZZAH!

Off to work more overtime, but my house is smelling awesome because of this meatloaf...

... so excited about everything!
 
 
Current Mood: accomplishedaccomplished
Current Music: Wind rustling outside...