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Jazzmine Delgada
10 July 2016 @ 11:57 am

Just wanted to drop a note and document this weigh in this morning. I keep seeing between 238-242 during the week, so I wanted a real stopping point.

I'll check in later about plans for this week and what we're doing. I know I plan on doing food prep tonight, so I'll have meals and snacks planned, too...

... just a little at a time.

Jazzmine Delgada
I haven't done an official weigh-in, but I wanted to write what's currently happening with the new job. I was struggling for the first two weeks; first there was downright hunger as I wasn't fueling myself properly. Then, I had salt cravings, which I was able to remedy with increased water consumption and checking my coffee intake. (Amazing how addiction works; I had one free coffee because of it being my birthday, and that started three or four more Dunkys in the course of two weeks! No good!) Being conscious of the water helped with the specific salt cravings. I also decided to calculate how many calories I was eating, just to gage. I have never truly counted calories, and in this downtime before I have a full caseload, I decided to see if my food choices were good ones. Indeed, I was eating 1400-1600 calories by the end of my shift, which is pretty good. However, I am still struggling with wanting to eat when I come home. I made myself a hodge podge plate tonight and am enjoying a few pieces of Dove chocolate for something sweet.

I still am trying to do moderation and mindfulness. I have been researching distances and calorie counts, as well as mapping out a walking area around the new job. I have been loftily throwing around ideas of strength training during my lunch break, or waking up earlier to walk in the mornings. I've been debating about taking the elevator only halfway up and doing the rest in stairs.

I have lots of great ideas. I'm trying to remember how this originally started. First, I researched and did food. Then, I started exercising at home. Eventually, this bled into doing little things around work in order to increase activity. Finally, I got gym passes.

Overall, I'm glad I figured out the water consumption thing. Me craving salt so badly to make a can of Campbell's Cream of Chicken and then eat Saltines with it? I was definitely having some electrolyte problem, so yay science brain. Didn't even have to Google that one! Once I started purposefully drinking more water out of the giant Nalgene I always carry, the salt cravings significantly lowered. I also didn't want Dunky anymore, so that was also an improvement. I think Dunky might be either a.) an emergency need coffee or b.) a serious treat I get every two weeks or so, but only during happy hour pricing. I might be able to scournge up $1.05 on a biweekly basis. I'm sure there's enough change around here somewhere.

In any case, I'm trying to ease back into the healthy living. I have been wanting to run a new challenge at 100pounds2lose and am thinking August might be the time for me to fully be in the mindset to invest. There are three more weeks to July; my goal at this point is to focus on food, listen to my body regarding water, and fully settle into this work routine. I hope that, by August, I can begin to fully implement more movement.

We'll see. I've been rereading entries where I have been so, so angry and disappointed over the past couple of weeks. Maybe taking this slowly will incorporate more healthy options long-term. I think that is my downfall, and something common with many of my clients: to take on too much becomes overwhelming, and then the disappointment of failing without having really started.

Three weeks focused on food and water intake. August will start movement...

... I can do at least that.
Current Mood: contemplativecontemplative
Current Music: Fall Out 4 on the TV...
Jazzmine Delgada
05 June 2016 @ 07:54 pm
Before we left for Florida, I decided to cancel the gym pass. Between working these ridiculous hours plus being scared about my injury, I couldn't validate continuing to pay for a gym pass I no longer used. Though it's not technically swing, it's haphazard enough that I can't guarantee I can make the classes I want to. Originally, I was keeping the pass to go to spin classes, but I had yet to get back to one. Forty dollars a month was still forty dollars a month.

I try to be gentle with myself. I knew that with the job collapse, things were going to change. That was two years ago. It's hard to imagine that it was two years ago at this point. I do think that my weight has stabilized, however. I'm hopeful that I can get back to walking, then running. My treadmill is free. I need to get the TV set up back in this room, then I can start walking again. Maybe enjoy something on TV again. A lot of my brain fell out when I was in grad school.

We just returned from Florida and now we have another cat. He's one of the reasons I'm writing in here. He's holed up in the office, so I want to make sure he knows that he doesn't just own this space. Sadie and I both sat in here, quietly, then he woke up and started growling again. We lost the use of our shower for a couple days, but I think he might be coming around. Slowly, but surely.

There's a new job offer on the horizon, a chance to finally turn around things. With planning on taking public transportation, I'm hopeful that the additional activity will finally motivate me to get moving again. I'm still worried about my shoulder, that slipped disc she said I had. It hasn't acted up for awhile, but I'm still afraid it will. However, if we can get to walking places, if I can get a walk in the mornings, I feel like the additional movement will move me forward.

A lot of shit has gone down. And I continued to try and work through it, being gentle with myself. I would express compassion to my clients when they expressed discontent over how their lives had turned around; I needed to do that for myself.

I used to walk a lot more, I used to run, I used to do DVDs and be more active. I think the only thing that had stuck with me has been the water consumption, so I'm thankful to that.

I'm tired of being tired. I'm tired of struggling. I'm tried of being poor.

The new job should start at the end of this month. It's a Monday-Friday position 1230-2030. With those hours, I could conceivably get up around 0900, get some exercise in and a healthy breakfast, and still be able to be on the bus by 1100. It's a lofty goal. I don't really see myself working out after 2200. However, I am hopeful that with the new job will come the stability and structure that I so desperately need. Each week on my calendar before vacation looked completely different; it was another contributing factor to canceling the pass for right now.

I started organizing the office again, trying to get some room back in here. At least the treadmill is uncovered. We still need to find the power cord for the new TV and whatever the Roku box is, but that shall come. Maybe I can get involved in some streamiing something or another and really enjoy when I'm walking again. I think one of the main issues is that my brain could no longer care about what I was watching; before I would watch HGTV and get decorating ideas. But when the money fell, it became depressing. And then my head was so full of psychological principles, I couldn't comprehend anything on TV.

It's only June. My partner and I did a three-year-in-review to see if we had improved when I had the harebrained scheme of going to grad school. He says we have; I know we have on paper. But I can look back in this journal and see where I was roughly three years ago, and I remembered it started with the food. Then I started exercising. Then I got a gym pass to have other people tell me what to do.

I've done it before; there should be no reason for me not to do it again.

I just weighed myself- granted, I usually weigh myself on Sunday mornings after I've voided before I've eaten anything. However, I still hover around the 240 mark. The scale just said 240.2 pounds.

I don't think I want to make real goals just yet. But I knew I wanted to check in. Jobs are changing, we have another cat, and for once, there's a possibility on the horizon that my life just might settle down for a spell. And with new stable money comes new hope that I will be able to work on myself again...

... even if the treadmill does scare both cats!
Current Mood: anxiousanxious
Current Music: Computer humming... at least the cat stopped hissing...
Jazzmine Delgada
14 March 2016 @ 09:43 pm
I started the new job today and only saw two clients. However, I found the staircase and did two jaunts up and down when I was taking my breaks.

When I was working the other job, I used the stairs All the Time. Then, that job fell through and there were no stairs besides my own.

I work on the third floor of an office building. Even if I'm only going up and down them twice or three times a day twice a week, that's still more activity than I was doing.

I do need to figure out how to fuel myself again through the work day. I may make a polenta and vegetable bake more often because of how filling it was. But I was pretty ravenous by the time I came home this evening. Maybe all of the energy I'm putting out to clients is making me hungry?

I'm excited about this. I can continue to be excited about it. I'm looking forward to seeing how the short spin class goes tomorrow night...

... here's hoping I get there.
Current Mood: hopefulhopeful
Current Music: Fidget playing Batman something on TV...
Jazzmine Delgada
13 March 2016 @ 11:43 am
I weighed myself this morning and saw 232. I actually had seen 229 throughout the course of the week, but Mexican food last night may have put me over.

I was finally cleared by my doctor to return to some exercise. While powerlifting may no longer be in my future, and kickboxing is questionable, I can do spin. One of my goals this week will be to try a 30-minute spin class to see how my shoulder acts. I have lost some weight, but feel the need to actually start getting some exercise in so I can tone what's going on. Spin will at least get my heart rate up and some muscles in my legs. I'm hoping I can talk to the trainers at the gym (I haven't been to in FOREVER) about modifications to increase strength and toning, but keep the pressure off my left arm. My doctor stated no pull-ups, push-ups, or lifting. I wonder if I'll just use tension bands for the rest of my life.

My mother flew home yesterday and I think I'm still trying to cope with that. I have been with her either in Maryland or Florida for about three months, give or take a weekend here and there. It's odd for her not to be in the guest room or see her toddling through my house. I'm curious as to how my weight will change, now that I'm only going to be preparing food for myself and my partner.

Lent will also be over in a few weeks. I will probably drink ALL the soda and eat ALL the Taco Bell and chocolate that I've been craving, but I'm hoping it'll taper off.

I start a new job this week and am relatively trying to get things moving in my own life, versus living for my parents.

My friend's wedding is June 1. I had wanted to be down to 220, and at this rate, that seems totally feasible. I'm just hoping I can keep up the weight loss, but do it more healthily. I've lost weight because of being stressed and forgetting to eat with my mother; if my appetite returns, I'll still want to make good decisions.

I updated my tickers to try and keep myself accountable. It's nice to see the slide moving down, but I just hope it can continue to do so correctly...

... here's to being more conscious about the healthy lifestyle I've so wanted to lead!
Current Mood: complacentcomplacent
Current Music: Traffic barreling outside...
Jazzmine Delgada
21 February 2016 @ 12:16 pm

Somehow, I lost another three and a half pounds this week. Maybe it's because my mother doesn't eat regularly, and so I don't either...

... another three stones in the jar, a total of twenty.

Jazzmine Delgada
14 February 2016 @ 11:58 pm

We had bought different clothes while in Florida, my jeans sagging sadly. We came through security, me in my snazzy new jeans, hauling my mother in her wheelchair through baggage claim.

I was curious to get home. Last time I weighed myself, it said 239.8 on my scale. In Florida, my father's scale continued to decrease. However, I had no idea if the scale was balanced, but a decrease is still a decrease.

This morning, it said 234.4. I had lost five pounds in the past month, really doing nothing consciously besides picking up my parents more frequently. We began Lent, so I ate too much fast food, then scarfed down a salted caramel bar.

I find myself strangely craving soda since we've been home.

Maybe the momentum will keep, even more so with having to do my own stairs again. Who knows.

I still updated my tickers. I feel like that's it's own motivation.

I dutifully moved over my stones, now 17 in the second jar. Maybe it'll keep up. Maybe I should call my PCP and see if she'd at least let me do spin...

... maybe, maybe, maybe.

Jazzmine Delgada
For some reason, I updated our tickers. He's lost about 30 pounds since his heaviest, but I know he's just walking more and not eating at all on school days. (How he functions without food is a mystery to me. I would just be crabby and not be able to focus.) I found a post within this journal documenting my weight when I was younger at age 12. After furthering my education, the concept of a "set point" rang true for me. If I do nothing, I will consistently sit at the 238-242 range (unless things really get out of control, then 250 is my warning sign to back the hell off).

I have made healthier changes. I drink maybe one glass of soda a day (and maybe pour a little into some ice cream if I want something sweet). I've greatly improved my water intake versus when I was younger. I remember making that some "monthly" resolution when I still lived in Allentown, but I don't think it really took hold until a few years ago when I just gave up Mountain Dew. Maybe when I started drinking coffee? I just realized I needed to hydrate more often and after reading the science on sodas and other drinks, I realized why I was always so thirsty- they're chemically designed to make me thirsty.

Now, my skin is more pliable and my innards are working, so water's great.

Going through my mother's clinical records, I kept seeing "appeared older than stated age." It's both odd and fascinating to see my mother written about clinically (and something I wonder how I'd "look" on paper). But to be "older than stated age."

I don't want to be in a recliner in thirty years. I think the stubbornness and the "unhealth" that happens around here is what is most jarring and/or irritating depending on my mood. Fidget and I are by no means the healthiest people: we're both overweight, we both smoke, when we drink we go hard, we've stopped exercising purposefully, and I have an ice cream habit and he loves jerky. But otherwise, our meals are relatively clean. We live mindfully.

I read back over this journal and see how staying with them in 2012 made me realize how unhealthy they were and jump-started my own healthy journey. I continue to try and have compassion and understanding with myself with the decline because of how badly late 2014 and most of 2015 sucked. Logically, I can do that. But rereading this journal and seeing the progress makes me have a pity party every so often.

At my lowest, I was 213. That's about the same amount I weighed somewhere between 1998 and 2000.

Is it because of subclinical depression? Or an adjustment disorder that never properly adjusted? I still have this anger and bitterness toward the job loss. I'm not quite sure I'm done grieving my best friend's mother's death. I don't know if I've actually recovered from graduate school. While right now we're fine, thoughts of money cloud my vision.

I've also lost interests in things, which I attribute mostly to grad school. I lost interest in TV specifically. So when I would disappear in the office to run on a treadmill, I would just turn on HGTV and go. Now, my brainspan consists of Dog Whisperer, and at that point, I'm usually just on the couch with my cat.

2016 has got to be different. I've made small changes, and I can literally see in front of me what will happen if I don't get my shit together. On one hand, I've lost weight while down here, getting to where I need to tighten my belt loop another slot. On the other, I continue to be somewhat inactive, if lifting parents/puttying back on the microwave door/constantly doing laundry and other chores don't count.

I'm hopeful for June 1st. I want to see if life has settled by then. Maybe I wouldn't have lost 20 pounds, but maybe my parents will have moved and the license will be real, and I'll be settling into a new work life, finally using my degree. Maybe we'll have more money and he'll almost be done school. There's a lot that can be accomplished this year...

... I just need to have patience that it will come, when it comes.
Current Mood: blahblah
Current Music: My father snoring from the living room...
Jazzmine Delgada
03 January 2016 @ 05:13 pm
I flew to Florida for about two weeks, finally taking a leave of absence from work (which wasn't really a leave of absence, but whatev) in order to help with my mother's rehabilitation. I brought my cat and we basically just hang out as Fidget remains in Maryland, keeping our house afloat.

Before I left Maryland, I weighed 246. When I weighed myself when I flew back for New Year's Eve, I weighed 239.8. I had lost six pounds in two-ish (?) weeks.

My appetite has lessened. I've eaten coffee cups of cereal or granola with milk as dinner more times in the past month than I have, like, ever.

The pinched nerve is still pinch-y, but it's lessened dramatically. I don't know if it's healing or no longer having the work stress which has helped, but I'm not nearly in as much pain or as numb from it. I frequently lay on a tennis ball, trying to move that muscle around which gets tight. But I've started being able to sleep on my right side versus only my back, so again, small improvements.

While this journal was predominantly about physical health and weight loss, as well as losing it healthily versus dramatically, I think I need to focus more on my mental health now. I wanted to document the weigh in so I'll have a point of reference in the future. Ideally, I would like to lose some weight before my seventh grade best friend's wedding in June. Logically, I realize it's six months away. I could drop some weight by then.

He is getting married on June 1. So, six months away. Healthily, that could be twenty to thirty pounds if I put some muscle to it. But I know several things are going to happen before then:
- I'm living with my parents right now. We don't exactly eat healthy things, or on a schedule, or in general at times. Again, lots of cereal or granola in the past month.
- I feel like I can't be too far from the house since I'm their primary caregiver.
- I'm going to cancel my gym pass because of the shoulder. My PCP stated she didn't want me to be doing anything too strenuous, which is saddening and infuriating since I enjoy kickboxing and spinning. Maybe I'll be able to get back there, but right now, it's not going to be possible since I'm in Florida.
I put a timestamp on my time here, wanting to get back by mid-February to at least take care of our taxes. I'm hoping both of my parents' healths will improve enough so that we can move them by March. In theory, once this move happens, I'll no longer be flying to Florida and my license will come through, so I'll be making manageable money and start paying our bills down properly. He'll finish school, I'll have viable income again, and 2016 will be dramatically better than 2015 was.

Maybe it's fallacy. I don't want to have those "new year, new me" posts like another friend said. But I truly believe that once some spheres of my life come to fruition, the stress I've been under will evaporate and/or become more manageable so that I can focus back on my own health again...

... at least that's the thought anyway.
Current Mood: indifferentindifferent
Current Music: TV in the living room...
Jazzmine Delgada
10 December 2015 @ 12:29 am
I've taken to not giving a fuck about any of this. I have my nightly sweet, ice cream with soda. Eat healthy during the day, then put ice cream in a coffee cup and enjoy the sweet slurry that results. I try to eat my vegetables and do healthy meal planning, but then I swing through Arby's because I want those damned curly fries.

It's so complicated- the whole healthy living, work-mind-life balance is frustrating. I find myself wondering if I will be a hypocrite if a client comes in wanting to lose weight. Since I have lost it previously, I know it can be done but I am more caught up in my mother's rehab, my father's weird body issues, how many hours am I working, what really happened in my partner's group project? Previously healthy eating blogs have fallen by the wayside as my free time is occupied with articles about clutter-free living and how to achieve some sense of order in my life.

Do I miss woggling? I remember I felt particularly proud of myself when I woggled during Covered Bridge weekend. I remember reading the science behind knowing which combinations fuel the body better and how to make more options, plan properly, and live better. I remember those times.

But now? While I still struggle with a pinched nerve and pain killers, hoping this will change my life around to finally make it more bearable, I have pretty much given 2015 a pass. I no longer am concerned about the weight issues; it infuriates me that my clothes no longer fit, where I was so stubborn that "I wouldn't go back" that I gave my professional clothes away. I know I need to rebuild my wardrobe and work on more professional clothing if I will be re-entering that world. But right now? I can't even begin to process that.

So, give the body and mind space. I'll work on decluttering and organizing, hoping that 2016 will treat me much better than 2015 will. Maybe I will be thinner by the time that wedding rolls around in June. Maybe I'll be happier. Maybe my parents will have finally moved. There are so many maybes. I think that's the reason I gave this up for awhile- I couldn't handle the maybes anymore. I needed to make as much money as possible, so I worked on that aspect and the healthy living fell by the wayside.

It'll come back. I'll be able to balance more. But right now, I'll keep eating my ice cream and soda slurry...

... it's a bad coping skill, but providing comfort all at the same time.
Current Mood: complacentcomplacent
Current Music: Just the laptop whirring...